1
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Previously on Californication...

2
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This is not Hank's fault? Excuse me.

3
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- What does that mean?
- It's not my fault.

4
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You didn't tell her.

5
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Tell me what?

6
00:00:08,532 --> 00:00:10,750
Becca's father and I had
a slight indiscretion.

7
00:00:10,785 --> 00:00:12,168
She's got to be kidding me, right?

8
00:00:12,203 --> 00:00:15,338
I don't want to hear about
Felicia and her mid-life crisis.

9
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Fuck me, bone me, stuff me.

10
00:00:17,324 --> 00:00:18,708
- Take your pick.
- Oh.

11
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Wait, who else has he been fucking?

12
00:00:21,462 --> 00:00:24,047
You? Oh, gross.

13
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Can't believe you
slept with all of them.

14
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You're a goddamn girl whisperer.

15
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Okay.

16
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- Julian's a writer too.
- Really.

17
00:00:30,671 --> 00:00:32,005
He wrote the Artist Within.

18
00:00:32,023 --> 00:00:33,440
Fucking genius.

19
00:00:33,474 --> 00:00:35,008
Why are you asking me
to procure you drugs

20
00:00:35,026 --> 00:00:36,526
like I'm your assistant?

21
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,895
I'm dating my dream crush.

22
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Hitting my peak sexually.

23
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Just give me my blow, and
let's just call it a day.

24
00:00:43,183 --> 00:00:45,201
No fucking way, Rick Springfield.

25
00:00:45,236 --> 00:00:47,370
You just don't want me
to be happy, Charlie.

26
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Ha ha ha.

27
00:00:49,907 --> 00:00:51,074
Shit.

28
00:00:51,125 --> 00:00:52,659
You're going to get your ass fired?

29
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- If I fire you first.
- Charlie.

30
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You want to go back to
slinging beamers in the valley?

31
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All right, maybe I got carried away.

32
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Sync by honeybunny/corrected by chamallow35 & chocomoon
www.Addic7ed.Com

33
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- Like one glass of that wine,

34
00:01:37,371 --> 00:01:38,338
- but I don't like...
- Hey.

35
00:01:38,372 --> 00:01:39,872
- Hey.
- What's the dilly, yo?

36
00:01:39,890 --> 00:01:40,973
Where are you fine young wenches

37
00:01:41,008 --> 00:01:41,974
off to this evening?

38
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- Oh, dinner, yeah.
- Oh.

39
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Great, I could eat.

40
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You just give me a second?

41
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I want to change my shirt.
These pits are barking.

42
00:01:48,515 --> 00:01:50,099
No, actually, that's pretty good.

43
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Salty.

44
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Yeah, you girls want some of this?

45
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Check it out? Keeps you regular.

46
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All right, what are we thinking?

47
00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:58,941
We're thinking that you
weren't exactly invited.

48
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Oh.

49
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That shit is cold.

50
00:02:02,229 --> 00:02:04,364
Yeah, you know Marcy's in a funk

51
00:02:04,398 --> 00:02:06,282
about the whole Rick
Springfield of it all.

52
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- So...
- Hey, Chels.

53
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We were going to, you
know, take her out,

54
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show her a good time.

55
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- Lady stuff.
- I like the lady stuff.

56
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I know you do.

57
00:02:13,957 --> 00:02:15,675
I was kind of looking forward to this

58
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as a little family togetherness time.

59
00:02:18,679 --> 00:02:21,347
Oh, well, maybe next time.

60
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'Cause I thought it
might be good foreplay.

61
00:02:24,635 --> 00:02:27,753
Oh, um, family togetherness
equals foreplay how exactly?

62
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Well, it's been quite some time

63
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since we've lain together...

64
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- Yeah. Yeah.
- as man and woman.

65
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And it's going to be...it's
going to be some time, Hank.

66
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Really? Can you...
- Mm-hmm.

67
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How many...days, weeks, months?

68
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Well, when I close my eyes,
and I don't see you inside

69
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that annoying little simp of a woman.

70
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Oh, that's gross.

71
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Then...then maybe I'll be good to go.

72
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- Why, why...
- I mean, roughly speaking.

73
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Why you got to be like that?

74
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Was it good, Hank? The sex?

75
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- Ah, come on.
- Did she rock your world?

76
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Did she fuck your brains out?

77
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Oh, stop, I was performing
a service, Karen.

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When a plumber works on pipes,

79
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he doesn't think about
the quality of the pipes.

80
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He just fixes the shit out of them,

81
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and then he goes the fuck home.

82
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And drinks to forget.

83
00:03:06,260 --> 00:03:08,511
All right, well, you guys
have a lovely evening.

84
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Say hi to the Marce for me.

85
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Tell her to keep her chin up.

86
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I'll be fine here alone.

87
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Eating a pb&j under a bare bulb.

88
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Ground control to major dong.

89
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Not a good time, Hank.

90
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I'm getting a serious
relocation vibe, here.

91
00:04:15,362 --> 00:04:17,046
You moving north of Wilshire?

92
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,748
I got the ax, Hank.

93
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Shit-canned.

94
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,586
Charlie Runkle is once again
an agent without an agency.

95
00:04:23,637 --> 00:04:25,221
Rick Springfield ankled?

96
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That's right.

97
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:30,226
That he-man, woman-hating
salad-tosser is now in play.

98
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,561
Buck up, Chuck. You've still got me.

99
00:04:31,595 --> 00:04:33,763
I'm bound to put pen to
paper one of these days.

100
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Hey, fuck you.

101
00:04:34,815 --> 00:04:36,882
- Whoo hoo.
- All right, Runkle.

102
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Here are the rest of them.

103
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I trust you will be discreet,

104
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especially with the
ones with my legs akimbo.

105
00:04:43,190 --> 00:04:44,557
Sure thing, Sue.

106
00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:46,725
Ah, the writer who doesn't write.

107
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I take it you're off
with Jerry Maguire, here.

108
00:04:49,363 --> 00:04:50,329
Oh, undoubtedly.

109
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Homies before hos, you know?

110
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Ah, good. Well, it
saved me a phone call.

111
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There's no heat on you.

112
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I mean, you're as cold
as a witch's cunny.

113
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Ouchie-wahwah.

114
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The lady's really got it
in for me this evening.

115
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Hey, hey, hey. It's just business.

116
00:05:04,011 --> 00:05:05,044
- Oh, yeah.
- You understand.

117
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- I get it.
- Nothing personal.

118
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Nope.

119
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Now, Runkle.

120
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Just because we no longer have

121
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a professional relationship

122
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does not mean that you
cannot wine me, dine me,

123
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and stand-up 69 me
once in a while, huh?

124
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Dear God.

125
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Well, she's got a point.

126
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There's no reason you should let

127
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a professional misstep come between you

128
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and a quality 69.

129
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So you fire me,

130
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but you still want me around
as some sort of boy toy?

131
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How's Sundays for you?

132
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Charlie Runkle is not a doormat.

133
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He's not some little puppy
that comes trotting back

134
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after being kicked to the curb.

135
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You go, girl.

136
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Suit yourself, stallion.

137
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You know, we could have been

138
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lifelong fuck buddies, Runkle.

139
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Leave your keys with Rhonda.

140
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Collini, out.

141
00:05:55,128 --> 00:05:57,063
She's a sweet woman.

142
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Salt of the earth, really.
I'm going to miss her.

143
00:05:59,016 --> 00:06:00,799
- Really?
- Not really.

144
00:06:00,817 --> 00:06:01,967
Want to get some gin and juice?

145
00:06:01,985 --> 00:06:04,470
Ooh, hoochie-mama.

146
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Think I'm going to take me one of these.

147
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Bad boy.

148
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Two hamsters in a fucking cage,

149
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going round and round.

150
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When will we ever learn?

151
00:06:20,037 --> 00:06:22,838
Hey, I'm still working
off last year's sins.

152
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You're the one with
fresh blood on your hands.

153
00:06:24,341 --> 00:06:25,625
No, I didn't commit any crimes, though.

154
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That's the thing.

155
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Karen was clear across the country.

156
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I thought we had an understanding.

157
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- We did.
- Oh.

158
00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:31,881
She did some things.

159
00:06:31,932 --> 00:06:34,684
Ugh. Clearly I did some things.

160
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But we're being very adult
and European about it.

161
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No matter what they say,
bitches don't like it

162
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when you fuck other bitches.

163
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Word.

164
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And they don't like it when
you call them bitches, either.

165
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- Oh.
- FYI for you, Charlie Runkle.

166
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So you think we'll ever get it right?

167
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Mm.

168
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That remains to be seen.

169
00:06:54,071 --> 00:06:55,321
I think that ultimately

170
00:06:55,355 --> 00:06:56,739
they're going to have
to raise the white flag

171
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and just accept us for
the emotional retards

172
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that we are, don't you think?

173
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:01,627
- One would think.
- Yeah.

174
00:07:01,662 --> 00:07:02,962
Just hope my wiener still works.

175
00:07:02,996 --> 00:07:04,080
Mm.

176
00:07:04,131 --> 00:07:05,414
You'll be punishing that thing

177
00:07:05,465 --> 00:07:07,083
with gnarled, arthritic hands.

178
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Don't you worry.

179
00:07:09,202 --> 00:07:10,386
I still love her, though.

180
00:07:10,420 --> 00:07:11,470
- Yeah.
- You know?

181
00:07:11,505 --> 00:07:13,556
My sweet little piece of marcipan.

182
00:07:13,590 --> 00:07:15,341
- Yeah.
- Those boobies?

183
00:07:15,375 --> 00:07:17,143
- Mm.
- Her teeny, tiny bajinie.

184
00:07:17,177 --> 00:07:18,210
That's enough.

185
00:07:18,228 --> 00:07:19,595
Yeah, after all these years,

186
00:07:19,646 --> 00:07:21,397
she still gets this white
man harder than igneous rock.

187
00:07:21,431 --> 00:07:22,548
Settle down, white man.

188
00:07:22,566 --> 00:07:23,766
Take it to the restroom.

189
00:07:23,817 --> 00:07:25,551
Don't you have those moments sometimes?

190
00:07:25,569 --> 00:07:29,271
You know, when you just...
you think to yourself, God...

191
00:07:29,322 --> 00:07:32,608
I love this woman, and I always will.

192
00:07:32,659 --> 00:07:34,443
There was this one time...

193
00:07:34,494 --> 00:07:36,996
I fell asleep in the porsche
outside of Bill's house.

194
00:07:37,030 --> 00:07:39,699
- Just once?
- Becca found me.

195
00:07:39,733 --> 00:07:42,251
It was, like, two or
three years ago, I think.

196
00:07:42,285 --> 00:07:43,869
And Karen invited me in
and made me breakfast.

197
00:07:43,903 --> 00:07:45,171
Now, I know that Becca,

198
00:07:45,205 --> 00:07:47,256
I'm sure, strong-armed
her into inviting me in.

199
00:07:47,290 --> 00:07:48,507
But, that's not the point.

200
00:07:48,542 --> 00:07:51,043
She made me breakfast,
and she didn't have to.

201
00:07:51,077 --> 00:07:53,713
You know, she made me this
omelet that was delicious.

202
00:07:53,747 --> 00:07:54,880
Perfect breakfast.

203
00:07:54,914 --> 00:07:56,415
You know why? Because
she made it for me.

204
00:07:56,433 --> 00:07:57,717
Mm.

205
00:07:57,751 --> 00:07:59,101
And then she told me to grow the fuck up

206
00:07:59,136 --> 00:08:00,102
and get on with my life.

207
00:08:00,137 --> 00:08:01,303
But that didn't matter.

208
00:08:01,354 --> 00:08:03,422
Because it was one of those moments

209
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,608
where I decided...I resolved...

210
00:08:05,642 --> 00:08:07,860
that I was going to keep on fighting.

211
00:08:07,894 --> 00:08:10,229
You know, I've...
I've lost many battles,

212
00:08:10,263 --> 00:08:13,199
but I've never lost sight of the war.

213
00:08:13,233 --> 00:08:14,533
No retreat, baby.

214
00:08:14,568 --> 00:08:18,037
No surrender.

215
00:08:18,071 --> 00:08:20,489
Jesus Christ, Runkle,
are you weeping again?

216
00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:22,491
Well, it was sweet. You...you moved me.

217
00:08:23,543 --> 00:08:24,910
- Jesus.
- Hey, hey.

218
00:08:24,944 --> 00:08:26,278
Get a load of this asshole.

219
00:08:26,296 --> 00:08:29,048
No shit, brosephina, you
spilled on my buddy here.

220
00:08:29,082 --> 00:08:32,001
I did, sorry.

221
00:08:32,052 --> 00:08:33,252
Hey, uh, excuse me.

222
00:08:33,286 --> 00:08:34,453
Just, you know what, let it go.

223
00:08:34,471 --> 00:08:36,338
Excuse me. I don't mean to be a nudge.

224
00:08:36,389 --> 00:08:37,790
Let it go, Hank, just...
you know, it's not worth...

225
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:39,508
Just now, when you said you were sorry,

226
00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:41,393
it didn't really sound
like you were sincere to me.

227
00:08:41,428 --> 00:08:43,345
It was, like, "Eh, I'm sorry."

228
00:08:43,396 --> 00:08:44,980
Perfunctory.

229
00:08:45,015 --> 00:08:46,482
You understand that word?

230
00:08:46,516 --> 00:08:49,301
Man, I am sorry. Did I
spill on your girlfriend?

231
00:08:49,319 --> 00:08:51,153
'Cause I can get you and
your lady another drink.

232
00:08:51,188 --> 00:08:52,971
Oh.

233
00:08:52,989 --> 00:08:55,858
I believe our manhood was just assailed.

234
00:08:55,909 --> 00:08:57,643
I believe you're right.

235
00:08:57,661 --> 00:08:58,828
What are we going to do about this?

236
00:08:58,862 --> 00:09:00,979
I know what I'm going to do about it.

237
00:09:02,982 --> 00:09:04,366
Whoa.

238
00:09:04,417 --> 00:09:05,701
Fuck, I knew it.

239
00:09:05,752 --> 00:09:08,487
Couple of real-life faggots.

240
00:09:08,505 --> 00:09:10,089
Charlie.

241
00:09:10,123 --> 00:09:11,373
That's right, baby.

242
00:09:11,424 --> 00:09:15,661
We're here, we're queer,
and get used to it.

243
00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:22,334
Let me at him.

244
00:09:31,945 --> 00:09:33,345
Thank you.

245
00:09:33,363 --> 00:09:34,814
You might want to think
about popping a breath mint

246
00:09:34,848 --> 00:09:36,515
or chewing some gum every now and again.

247
00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:38,234
Your mouth tastes like a hobo's taint.

248
00:09:38,285 --> 00:09:39,618
Why you got to do that?

249
00:09:39,653 --> 00:09:41,019
Why you got to make
me feel self-conscious?

250
00:09:41,037 --> 00:09:43,239
Do you have gum or a
breath mint or something?

251
00:09:43,290 --> 00:09:44,406
What are we going to do now?

252
00:09:44,457 --> 00:09:46,292
Something fun, huh?

253
00:09:46,326 --> 00:09:48,861
Um, you want to go back to my place,

254
00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:49,862
watch some DVDs?

255
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,997
The girls are out for the night.

256
00:09:52,031 --> 00:09:53,365
I'm not going to watch pornography

257
00:09:53,383 --> 00:09:54,533
with you, Charlie Runkle.

258
00:09:54,551 --> 00:09:55,885
Creeps me out.

259
00:09:55,919 --> 00:09:58,137
We'll watch a regular
movie. I don't care.

260
00:09:58,171 --> 00:09:59,588
No, no, no, the last time you
talked me into movie night,

261
00:09:59,639 --> 00:10:02,508
I sat there and watched you
play pocket pool for two hours.

262
00:10:02,542 --> 00:10:04,543
Men should not experience
pornography together.

263
00:10:04,561 --> 00:10:07,146
- It's unseemly.
- Excuse me, Mr. Morality.

264
00:10:07,180 --> 00:10:08,347
I didn't know you had
all these, you know,

265
00:10:08,381 --> 00:10:09,515
special rules, about home entertainment.

266
00:10:09,549 --> 00:10:10,900
You know what? The night is young.

267
00:10:10,934 --> 00:10:13,152
It's in diapers, for Christ's sakes.

268
00:10:13,186 --> 00:10:14,219
What do you say, you and me,

269
00:10:14,237 --> 00:10:16,405
we go on a good, old-fashioned bender?

270
00:10:16,439 --> 00:10:18,858
Aw, I could roll with that.

271
00:10:18,892 --> 00:10:20,225
- You can roll with it?
- I can roll with it.

272
00:10:20,243 --> 00:10:22,778
Well, then, you roll
with it, motherfucker.

273
00:10:22,829 --> 00:10:24,663
Proceeding to roll.

274
00:10:29,369 --> 00:10:31,203
I think I'm sewing it up.

275
00:10:31,237 --> 00:10:33,923
I tell you, seriously.
It has led me astray.

276
00:10:33,957 --> 00:10:36,175
- Thank you.
- That's disgusting.

277
00:10:36,209 --> 00:10:39,962
And, also, what's it going to solve?

278
00:10:40,013 --> 00:10:41,246
I'm lost.

279
00:10:41,264 --> 00:10:45,417
Are you talking about
your heart or your vagina?

280
00:10:45,435 --> 00:10:46,585
Look at you.

281
00:10:46,603 --> 00:10:48,437
Using all the proper names for things.

282
00:10:48,471 --> 00:10:51,256
Well, it is her father's favorite word.

283
00:10:51,274 --> 00:10:53,943
I'm speaking of my vagina, sweetheart.

284
00:10:53,977 --> 00:10:55,444
I don't have a heart anymore.

285
00:10:55,478 --> 00:10:57,313
I lost that years ago.

286
00:10:57,364 --> 00:11:00,649
I think it was the night
of the squirting incident.

287
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:02,868
Remember that, huh?

288
00:11:02,903 --> 00:11:06,405
Okay, I'll say no more.

289
00:11:06,439 --> 00:11:07,907
You know...you know what?

290
00:11:07,941 --> 00:11:09,375
You had the fantasy.

291
00:11:09,409 --> 00:11:10,776
I mean, how many people can say

292
00:11:10,794 --> 00:11:12,795
that they slept with
their teen idol, right?

293
00:11:12,829 --> 00:11:13,796
That's...that's...

294
00:11:13,830 --> 00:11:14,797
How many people can say

295
00:11:14,831 --> 00:11:17,049
they slept with Rick Springfield?

296
00:11:17,083 --> 00:11:20,669
Only every tramp, ho, and
thief in greater L.A. County.

297
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,755
Ugh! Bleh!

298
00:11:22,789 --> 00:11:24,423
Ah, what was I thinking?

299
00:11:24,457 --> 00:11:27,476
You just...you don't put
yourself out there like that.

300
00:11:27,510 --> 00:11:28,928
- It was good...it was good...
- Take notes.

301
00:11:28,962 --> 00:11:31,814
Because you owed it to
your younger self, right?

302
00:11:31,848 --> 00:11:35,734
I mean, you needed to
explore that whole area.

303
00:11:35,769 --> 00:11:37,519
Really?

304
00:11:37,570 --> 00:11:39,605
Were there any areas you explored

305
00:11:39,639 --> 00:11:41,473
when you was in New York?

306
00:11:41,491 --> 00:11:43,976
- I don't think we need to...
- What, Mom?

307
00:11:43,994 --> 00:11:46,362
Yes, please, not in front of the child.

308
00:11:46,413 --> 00:11:48,480
No, screw that.

309
00:11:48,498 --> 00:11:50,115
Tonight, you're a grown-up.

310
00:11:50,149 --> 00:11:52,985
You're out on girls' night out...G.N.O.

311
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:54,837
You want a "zip" of my wine?

312
00:11:54,871 --> 00:11:56,154
- Marce.
- Mm-Hmm.

313
00:12:12,355 --> 00:12:15,674
Oh, check it out.

314
00:12:15,692 --> 00:12:17,609
- South of heaven.
- No.

315
00:12:17,644 --> 00:12:19,812
First edition, signed by the author.

316
00:12:19,846 --> 00:12:21,847
Portrait of the artist
as a dirty young man.

317
00:12:21,865 --> 00:12:23,148
What did I inscribe?

318
00:12:23,182 --> 00:12:26,184
"To Kelly: best oral ever."

319
00:12:26,202 --> 00:12:30,072
Who is Kelly?

320
00:12:30,123 --> 00:12:33,692
I don't know.

321
00:12:33,710 --> 00:12:35,627
- I think we should find out.
- Poor Kelly.

322
00:12:35,662 --> 00:12:38,747
Sounds like she had mad skills.

323
00:12:38,798 --> 00:12:42,334
Oh, early Hank Moody,
going for 100 big ones.

324
00:12:42,368 --> 00:12:43,919
That real money? Maybe in pesos.

325
00:12:43,970 --> 00:12:46,889
That's 100% John
Wayne-style American dollar.

326
00:12:46,923 --> 00:12:48,057
Shit.

327
00:12:48,091 --> 00:12:49,224
People are willing to pay good money

328
00:12:49,259 --> 00:12:51,010
for my early, beer-soaked ramblings?

329
00:12:51,044 --> 00:12:52,678
I've increased in value.

330
00:12:52,712 --> 00:12:55,898
The Franklin mint can lick me
where the good Lord split me.

331
00:12:55,932 --> 00:12:57,349
It's a shame that
money doesn't go to you.

332
00:12:57,383 --> 00:12:59,384
It goes to sleepy-eyes over there.

333
00:12:59,402 --> 00:13:00,402
No shit.

334
00:13:00,437 --> 00:13:01,887
I do all the work.

335
00:13:01,905 --> 00:13:04,606
And weird beard over
there profits off my words,

336
00:13:04,657 --> 00:13:08,277
my autograph, my memories
of sweet gifted Kelly.

337
00:13:08,328 --> 00:13:10,245
It probably costs 100 bucks a week

338
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,081
to keep him in tie dye and birkenstocks

339
00:13:12,115 --> 00:13:13,365
- and crystals.
- True "dat."

340
00:13:13,399 --> 00:13:14,366
And you know there's no way

341
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,285
I'm seeing my 10% either.

342
00:13:16,336 --> 00:13:18,070
- You could really use that ten
- Spot right about now,

343
00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:20,956
- couldn't you.
- Right?

344
00:13:21,007 --> 00:13:22,875
Cover me... I'm going
Abbie Hoffman on this shit.

345
00:13:22,909 --> 00:13:25,594
Oh, okay. Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.

346
00:13:25,628 --> 00:13:27,846
- I got you.
- You know, Runkle.

347
00:13:27,881 --> 00:13:29,631
- Information...
- Take it on home.

348
00:13:29,682 --> 00:13:31,917
Wants to be free.

349
00:13:34,187 --> 00:13:36,105
- I think we're good.
- Got it?

350
00:13:36,139 --> 00:13:37,606
Let's go.

351
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,424
We bad.

352
00:13:39,442 --> 00:13:41,226
- We bad, we bad.
- Stop that.

353
00:13:41,260 --> 00:13:42,277
- We bad.
- Stop it.

354
00:13:42,312 --> 00:13:43,595
- Wait, let me get you.
- No.

355
00:13:43,613 --> 00:13:44,596
Let me get you covered, here.

356
00:13:44,614 --> 00:13:46,065
- Let me get you.
- Charlie.

357
00:13:46,099 --> 00:13:49,651
- I what?
- Don't do that, you're an ass.

358
00:13:49,702 --> 00:13:52,270
Holy fuck, look at this.

359
00:13:52,288 --> 00:13:54,456
The artist within gets
himself an entire table.

360
00:13:54,491 --> 00:13:55,574
All right, how much does

361
00:13:55,608 --> 00:13:58,377
a first ejaculate sir
Walter Dali go for?

362
00:13:58,411 --> 00:14:00,278
- 95 bucks.
- Yes.

363
00:14:00,296 --> 00:14:01,964
I win.

364
00:14:01,998 --> 00:14:06,001
Suck it and taste it,
artist within my yam bag.

365
00:14:10,056 --> 00:14:12,508
Hold on a second, I got to let one rip.

366
00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:14,560
Switch with me?

367
00:14:14,594 --> 00:14:18,647
Okay, okay, okay.

368
00:14:24,070 --> 00:14:26,021
- Come on.
- Slow down!

369
00:14:26,072 --> 00:14:28,107
Come on, man.

370
00:14:28,141 --> 00:14:30,692
- Whoa, ow, ow.
- Get up.

371
00:14:30,743 --> 00:14:32,477
I'm down. Man down.

372
00:14:32,495 --> 00:14:33,695
Get up. Get the man up.

373
00:14:33,746 --> 00:14:35,480
Okay, the man's up. Oh!

374
00:14:35,498 --> 00:14:38,167
Hey, don't fuck with the pinkberry.

375
00:14:38,201 --> 00:14:40,335
We can't stop. We can't stop.

376
00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:43,839
You know there's no one
chasing you, right, Dad?

377
00:14:43,873 --> 00:14:45,674
- No?
- So there isn't.

378
00:14:45,708 --> 00:14:47,926
Phew.

379
00:14:47,961 --> 00:14:49,461
This is fun.

380
00:14:49,495 --> 00:14:50,762
We have fun.

381
00:14:50,797 --> 00:14:52,714
Why are you looking at
me like that, you goon?

382
00:14:52,765 --> 00:14:54,499
Are you ready for an adventure, Marce?

383
00:14:54,517 --> 00:14:55,517
No.

384
00:14:55,552 --> 00:14:57,269
Please stop doing that with your face.

385
00:14:57,303 --> 00:14:59,671
We should move to New York, hmm,

386
00:14:59,689 --> 00:15:01,190
with our friends, the Van Der Moodys.

387
00:15:01,224 --> 00:15:03,025
- What?
- I did it.

388
00:15:03,059 --> 00:15:04,643
I got fired.

389
00:15:04,677 --> 00:15:07,563
Whoo!

390
00:15:07,614 --> 00:15:10,282
That's it...there's
nothing tying us here, man.

391
00:15:10,316 --> 00:15:12,517
You got dumped by a pervy rock star,

392
00:15:12,535 --> 00:15:14,286
- and I lost my job.
- Well, tell everybody.

393
00:15:19,075 --> 00:15:22,194
He's freaking me out.

394
00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:23,328
Yeah, me too.

395
00:15:23,362 --> 00:15:26,698
This is what two white
winters will do to you.

396
00:15:26,716 --> 00:15:28,867
My deeny's sewn up tighter than ever.

397
00:15:28,885 --> 00:15:30,969
That was great,
Charlie. Congratulations.

398
00:15:31,004 --> 00:15:32,087
- Come on, come with us.
- No.

399
00:15:32,138 --> 00:15:33,088
The next stop is the convenience store.

400
00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:34,089
Hey, hey.

401
00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,807
What kind of snacks do you like?

402
00:15:35,842 --> 00:15:36,925
Stop it.

403
00:15:36,976 --> 00:15:38,260
- Because I...I like snacks.
- You know what?

404
00:15:38,311 --> 00:15:40,545
It's...it's...it's
past our, um, bedtime.

405
00:15:40,563 --> 00:15:42,231
What about us? What about ours?

406
00:15:42,265 --> 00:15:43,982
Way past your bedtime.

407
00:15:44,017 --> 00:15:45,267
Come on. No, you know what?

408
00:15:45,318 --> 00:15:46,735
You get to put yourself to bed tonight.

409
00:15:46,769 --> 00:15:47,886
You too, Charles, from now
on, you're going to be changing

410
00:15:47,904 --> 00:15:50,055
your own diapers and
wiping your own ass.

411
00:15:50,073 --> 00:15:52,241
- I am done being your mommy.
- Okay.

412
00:15:52,275 --> 00:15:53,909
But could you just
please... could you...

413
00:15:53,943 --> 00:15:55,861
could you say ass one more time again?

414
00:15:55,895 --> 00:15:57,162
Because I can work with that for days.

415
00:15:57,197 --> 00:15:58,363
I want you to have this.

416
00:15:58,397 --> 00:15:59,865
This is your heritage
and your inheritance.

417
00:15:59,899 --> 00:16:01,750
I liberated it just moments ago.

418
00:16:01,784 --> 00:16:04,069
- What is that?
- Stop it.

419
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,090
Who's Kelly?

420
00:16:09,759 --> 00:16:11,543
I've been thinking about
that for, like, ten minutes.

421
00:16:11,577 --> 00:16:13,295
She's either

422
00:16:13,346 --> 00:16:15,931
a cocktail waitress from Toronto

423
00:16:15,965 --> 00:16:18,600
or a very promising
young marine biologist.

424
00:16:18,635 --> 00:16:20,519
Either way, your father's
very lucky to have known her.

425
00:16:20,553 --> 00:16:22,471
Okay, that's it. Let's go.

426
00:16:22,522 --> 00:16:23,605
- Okay.
- Bye.

427
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,891
- Your loss, ladies.
- Thank you.

428
00:16:25,925 --> 00:16:27,309
I guess you're never
going to know the splendor

429
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,478
- of a cheese doodle burp.
- Stop selling, Runkle.

430
00:16:29,529 --> 00:16:30,729
- Come on.
- Good point.

431
00:16:35,785 --> 00:16:38,453
Good evening.

432
00:16:38,488 --> 00:16:39,905
I think she liked me.

433
00:16:45,662 --> 00:16:48,380
- Kim, wasabi?
- Wasabi?

434
00:16:48,414 --> 00:16:50,666
Living the dreams,
Hank. Living the dream.

435
00:16:50,717 --> 00:16:52,634
Hey, you get the booze.
I'll get the snacks.

436
00:16:52,669 --> 00:16:54,303
This is all the snack a brother needs.

437
00:16:54,337 --> 00:16:55,787
Hey, you got your guilty pleasures.

438
00:16:55,805 --> 00:16:56,788
I got mine. I like...

439
00:16:56,806 --> 00:16:58,123
Oh!

440
00:16:58,141 --> 00:17:01,093
Ow! The humanity.

441
00:17:01,127 --> 00:17:04,179
- Jesus Christ, Hank, come on.
- Jesus, Hank.

442
00:17:04,230 --> 00:17:05,180
I'm sorry, Kim. I'll pay for it.

443
00:17:05,231 --> 00:17:06,765
You bet your ass you pay for it.

444
00:17:06,799 --> 00:17:08,133
- Yeah.
- Shit, man.

445
00:17:08,151 --> 00:17:09,467
Yeah, yeah.

446
00:17:09,485 --> 00:17:11,153
- You got scolded.
- Yeah.

447
00:17:11,187 --> 00:17:13,805
I heard it.

448
00:17:19,912 --> 00:17:21,663
Hey, I saw that.

449
00:17:21,698 --> 00:17:22,831
Saw what, homie?

450
00:17:22,865 --> 00:17:24,149
What are you doing? Put that shit back.

451
00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:25,284
The fuck you care?

452
00:17:25,318 --> 00:17:26,418
What do I care?

453
00:17:26,452 --> 00:17:29,204
Kim and his wife... Kim are good people,

454
00:17:29,255 --> 00:17:30,339
and you're stealing from them.

455
00:17:30,373 --> 00:17:31,623
You need money, get a
paper route or something.

456
00:17:31,657 --> 00:17:32,958
- That's bullshit.
- Whatever.

457
00:17:32,992 --> 00:17:34,209
- Whatever?
- Leave him alone, Hank.

458
00:17:34,260 --> 00:17:36,345
No, the kid's stealing. That's not cool.

459
00:17:36,379 --> 00:17:37,713
He's a kid, and need I remind you,

460
00:17:37,764 --> 00:17:39,664
we borrowed ourselves
some hardcover nonfiction

461
00:17:39,682 --> 00:17:40,882
this very evening?

462
00:17:40,933 --> 00:17:42,718
- That is totally different.
- Of course it is.

463
00:17:42,769 --> 00:17:45,387
There's no law against an
author stealing his own work.

464
00:17:45,438 --> 00:17:47,005
What about Julian?

465
00:17:47,023 --> 00:17:48,473
There's no law against stealing

466
00:17:48,507 --> 00:17:50,559
from a colossal douchebag.

467
00:17:50,610 --> 00:17:52,227
Wait, check this out. No, I got an idea.

468
00:17:52,278 --> 00:17:54,730
Hey. No, no. No, it's cool.

469
00:17:54,781 --> 00:17:57,182
You put that shit back,
and i'll give you this book.

470
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,817
People swear by it.
It'll change your life.

471
00:17:58,851 --> 00:18:00,185
Put you on the straight and narrow.

472
00:18:00,203 --> 00:18:02,120
And if it doesn't, you
can use it as toilet paper.

473
00:18:02,155 --> 00:18:05,490
Check it out. The artist within.

474
00:18:05,524 --> 00:18:07,209
- Hank.
- My ass.

475
00:18:07,243 --> 00:18:08,627
- Here you go.
- Hank.

476
00:18:08,661 --> 00:18:09,628
Yeah, take it, take
it. Shut up, Charlie,

477
00:18:09,662 --> 00:18:11,213
- I'm schooling this kid.
- Hank.

478
00:18:11,247 --> 00:18:14,082
What, what?

479
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:15,217
Ah, ah!

480
00:18:15,251 --> 00:18:16,218
Dude, give me your fucking wallet, man.

481
00:18:16,252 --> 00:18:17,552
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right.

482
00:18:17,587 --> 00:18:18,870
- Okay, just take it easy.
- Hurry the fuck up, man.

483
00:18:18,888 --> 00:18:20,339
You win, all right. Settle down.

484
00:18:20,373 --> 00:18:21,757
No, you got it. You got it.

485
00:18:21,808 --> 00:18:23,759
- Take it easy.
- Shut the fuck up.

486
00:18:23,810 --> 00:18:28,230
Just take it. Treat yourself.

487
00:18:28,264 --> 00:18:29,564
What, are you kidding me?

488
00:18:29,599 --> 00:18:31,400
What the fuck? What the fuck is this?

489
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:33,985
- I work on commission, bro.
- Shut the fuck up.

490
00:18:34,020 --> 00:18:36,054
You think this is a fucking joke?

491
00:18:36,072 --> 00:18:41,393
I got a daughter.

492
00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:42,744
Oh, shit.

493
00:18:42,779 --> 00:18:44,729
Get out of my store, motherfuckers!

494
00:18:44,747 --> 00:18:46,415
Get out!

495
00:18:46,449 --> 00:18:48,500
You motherfuckers!

496
00:18:48,534 --> 00:18:50,752
Fuck you!

497
00:18:50,787 --> 00:18:54,206
- Get back here!
- Fuck me.

498
00:19:06,602 --> 00:19:08,387
Ah, right on, let's go.

499
00:19:21,033 --> 00:19:22,984
I thought that was it, Hank.

500
00:19:23,035 --> 00:19:24,453
The end.

501
00:19:24,487 --> 00:19:28,657
I know what you mean, broheme.

502
00:19:28,708 --> 00:19:31,243
What was going through your head?

503
00:19:31,277 --> 00:19:33,445
What do you think?

504
00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:35,297
Karen and Becca.

505
00:19:35,331 --> 00:19:36,798
And how much I love them.

506
00:19:36,833 --> 00:19:40,969
And how much time I've
wasted being a selfish prick.

507
00:19:41,003 --> 00:19:42,471
What a cosmic fuck-you it would be

508
00:19:42,505 --> 00:19:44,055
if you were the last person I kissed

509
00:19:44,090 --> 00:19:45,557
before I died.

510
00:19:45,591 --> 00:19:47,426
I don't know.

511
00:19:47,460 --> 00:19:49,627
I think it would have been
kind of poetic, actually.

512
00:19:49,645 --> 00:19:53,131
For you, maybe.

513
00:19:53,149 --> 00:19:54,649
I know what you mean, though.

514
00:19:54,684 --> 00:19:57,519
I had my whole life flash
before my eyes, really.

515
00:19:57,570 --> 00:20:00,939
Just like, uh, like a
tivo on fast-forward.

516
00:20:00,973 --> 00:20:02,640
And you know what?

517
00:20:02,658 --> 00:20:04,743
It was really fucking pathetic.

518
00:20:04,777 --> 00:20:09,247
Oh, I believe you.

519
00:20:09,282 --> 00:20:14,002
Okay, what now? Where
do we go from here?

520
00:20:14,036 --> 00:20:15,170
I'm not entirely sure.

521
00:20:15,204 --> 00:20:16,705
But if you thought we
were drinking before,

522
00:20:16,756 --> 00:20:19,090
you were dead wrong because now...

523
00:20:20,376 --> 00:20:22,210
we are going to do some
drinking. You with me?

524
00:20:22,261 --> 00:20:24,662
Oh, till the end, my nubian brother.

525
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,215
Till the bitter end.

526
00:20:28,718 --> 00:20:29,935
I love you, bro.

527
00:20:29,969 --> 00:20:33,021
Hey, settle down. Don't soil yourself.

528
00:20:33,055 --> 00:20:35,507
Again.

529
00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:37,859
Make the car go very fast.

530
00:20:39,145 --> 00:20:41,229
Okay, just one drink.

531
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:44,115
So that missy here
doesn't slit her wrists

532
00:20:44,150 --> 00:20:46,034
when she's left all alone.

533
00:20:46,068 --> 00:20:47,452
Oh, but you forget.

534
00:20:47,487 --> 00:20:49,020
I won't be alone.

535
00:20:49,038 --> 00:20:52,357
'Cause I got Yertle the
turtle as my roommate.

536
00:20:52,375 --> 00:20:55,544
All the disadvantages of being married

537
00:20:55,578 --> 00:20:57,162
and none of the advantages.

538
00:20:57,196 --> 00:21:00,549
And what would those be,
if you don't mind my asking?

539
00:21:00,583 --> 00:21:01,866
Those what?

540
00:21:01,884 --> 00:21:03,868
The advantages of being married.

541
00:21:03,886 --> 00:21:06,922
I need to know so I don't
end up as bitter as you guys.

542
00:21:06,973 --> 00:21:08,373
Shit, is that how we sound?

543
00:21:08,391 --> 00:21:10,875
- So far I haven't heard much in 
the pro-men column.

544
00:21:10,893 --> 00:21:12,928
The best you can hope for, I guess,

545
00:21:12,979 --> 00:21:15,046
is that they make you
laugh and occasionally

546
00:21:15,064 --> 00:21:16,648
fix things around the house.

547
00:21:16,682 --> 00:21:20,068
Yeah, that would be great. What?

548
00:21:20,102 --> 00:21:22,437
I would kill for a guy to
fix things around the house.

549
00:21:22,488 --> 00:21:25,073
- What we meant to say was...
- Don't look at me.

550
00:21:25,107 --> 00:21:27,526
I know I'm bitter. I own that shit.

551
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,662
- I ams who I's ams.
- Well, I'm not bitter.

552
00:21:30,696 --> 00:21:33,198
Am I bitter?

553
00:21:33,232 --> 00:21:34,749
Maybe I am.

554
00:21:34,784 --> 00:21:36,368
I'm disillusioned. That's what I am.

555
00:21:36,402 --> 00:21:38,587
I'm definitely disillusioned.

556
00:21:38,621 --> 00:21:40,455
Come on, Mom. What did
you think would happen?

557
00:21:40,506 --> 00:21:41,456
Did you think if you left

558
00:21:41,507 --> 00:21:43,341
he would grow up all of a sudden?

559
00:21:43,376 --> 00:21:44,742
No, I just...

560
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:45,794
You know, I wish we didn't

561
00:21:45,845 --> 00:21:48,263
have to prop him up all the time.

562
00:21:48,297 --> 00:21:49,464
So what's the point in
wishing for something

563
00:21:49,515 --> 00:21:52,183
that's never going to come true?

564
00:21:52,218 --> 00:21:54,352
He's never going to change, Mom.

565
00:21:54,387 --> 00:21:56,888
He's always going to
be that drunken fool

566
00:21:56,922 --> 00:21:59,808
in the middle of Abbot Kinney.

567
00:21:59,859 --> 00:22:05,614
The same guy who wrote this book.

568
00:22:05,648 --> 00:22:07,032
And if that's not what you want,

569
00:22:07,066 --> 00:22:09,985
then you have to be
the one to walk away.

570
00:22:10,036 --> 00:22:12,270
Because he never will.

571
00:22:13,873 --> 00:22:15,907
God, Jesus.

572
00:22:15,941 --> 00:22:18,443
I love this little Buddha
you shot out of your vag.

573
00:22:18,461 --> 00:22:20,912
So wise.

574
00:22:42,635 --> 00:22:43,685
Mm.

575
00:22:43,736 --> 00:22:47,989
Jesus.

576
00:22:48,024 --> 00:22:52,110
Feel like I've been fucked
in the ass by God himself.

577
00:22:52,144 --> 00:22:57,082
And he...he...he pulled out
and jizzed all over my face.

578
00:22:57,116 --> 00:23:00,418
Got in my eyes, and now I
can't even open them properly.

579
00:23:00,453 --> 00:23:02,987
I'm hungry. You?

580
00:23:03,005 --> 00:23:05,624
So our ladies must be
worried sick about us, huh?

581
00:23:05,658 --> 00:23:09,094
- You know why?
- Why?

582
00:23:09,128 --> 00:23:10,845
- 'Cause we're a couple of 
dirty stay-outs.

583
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,830
No missed calls.

584
00:23:16,835 --> 00:23:19,938
Huh, me neither.

585
00:23:19,972 --> 00:23:22,140
Well, whatever.

586
00:23:22,174 --> 00:23:26,728
Oh, this was fun. We
should do this more often.

587
00:23:26,779 --> 00:23:30,699
You know, I can do this
because I'm an artist.

588
00:23:30,733 --> 00:23:32,951
But you? You're a fucking businessman.

589
00:23:32,985 --> 00:23:34,686
A sucker in a three-piece suit.

590
00:23:34,704 --> 00:23:36,521
You got to keep your shit together.

591
00:23:36,539 --> 00:23:38,406
Doesn't sound very fair at all.

592
00:23:38,457 --> 00:23:40,041
I didn't make the rules.

593
00:23:44,964 --> 00:23:48,466
You know, you're a good
friend, you bald motherfucker.

594
00:23:48,501 --> 00:23:50,051
I'm lucky to have you.

595
00:23:50,086 --> 00:23:52,087
Same here, buddy.

596
00:23:52,138 --> 00:23:54,089
You're a really good
kisser, too, you know that?

597
00:23:54,140 --> 00:23:57,592
Karen doesn't know what
she's missing right now.

598
00:23:57,643 --> 00:23:58,760
There's a good chance I would have

599
00:23:58,811 --> 00:24:00,228
- Forgotten about that.
- Oh, no.

600
00:24:00,262 --> 00:24:03,481
Thanks for calling it back.

601
00:24:03,516 --> 00:24:06,851
God, I am sore.

602
00:24:06,885 --> 00:24:09,354
My fucking back is killing me.

603
00:24:09,388 --> 00:24:11,690
Got quite a workout last night, huh?

604
00:24:17,496 --> 00:24:20,732
- Hey, Charlie?
- Yeah.

605
00:24:20,750 --> 00:24:23,334
Did we get tattoos last night?

606
00:24:23,369 --> 00:24:27,839
Did we what?

607
00:24:27,873 --> 00:24:29,874
Oh, no, Hank.

608
00:24:29,908 --> 00:24:31,760
Hank, what did I do?

609
00:24:31,794 --> 00:24:34,345
I don't know, but
we're about to find out.

610
00:24:34,380 --> 00:24:36,297
Bend over, big boy,
and drop your drawers.

611
00:24:36,348 --> 00:24:37,749
And I hope that's the last time

612
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:39,100
I ever say that to you.

613
00:24:39,135 --> 00:24:41,469
Jesus Christ, say it ain't so, Hank.

614
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:43,388
Whoo.

615
00:24:43,422 --> 00:24:44,422
Oh, it is so.

616
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,759
It is definitely so.

617
00:24:47,777 --> 00:24:49,144
Why would you let me do that, Hank?

618
00:24:49,195 --> 00:24:50,762
Why would you let me get a tramp stamp?

619
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:52,147
Why... why would you do that to me?

620
00:24:52,198 --> 00:24:54,766
Look on the bright side.
It's a beautiful tattoo.

621
00:24:54,784 --> 00:24:57,485
The artist definitely outdid his self.

622
00:24:57,536 --> 00:25:00,455
Jesus Christ, it's a goddamn butterfly,

623
00:25:00,489 --> 00:25:02,123
isn't it Hank? Now I remember.

624
00:25:02,158 --> 00:25:04,209
It's all coming back to me.

625
00:25:04,243 --> 00:25:06,911
I'm such a fucking idiot.

626
00:25:06,945 --> 00:25:08,946
Okay, all right, come on. Let's go.

627
00:25:08,964 --> 00:25:10,799
We're going to the
removal place right now.

628
00:25:10,833 --> 00:25:12,834
Let's go. Hey.

629
00:25:17,056 --> 00:25:19,841
Come on, let's go!

630
00:25:37,309 --> 00:25:40,361
- Good morning.
- Morning.

631
00:25:40,412 --> 00:25:41,780
How was your night?

632
00:25:41,814 --> 00:25:44,649
You know, it was great.
It was really good.

633
00:25:44,667 --> 00:25:46,534
Great.

634
00:25:46,585 --> 00:25:47,702
Yours?

635
00:25:47,753 --> 00:25:49,337
Mine was interesting.

636
00:25:49,371 --> 00:25:53,541
Definitely had its moments.

637
00:25:53,592 --> 00:25:57,095
I didn't fuck anyone, if
that's what you're wondering.

638
00:25:57,129 --> 00:26:00,998
Uh, no, I wasn't, actually.

639
00:26:01,016 --> 00:26:02,801
Bullshit.

640
00:26:02,835 --> 00:26:05,670
How's Marcy?

641
00:26:05,688 --> 00:26:07,388
Uh, she'll live, you know.

642
00:26:07,439 --> 00:26:09,507
Well, that's good.

643
00:26:09,525 --> 00:26:13,194
And you? How are you?

644
00:26:13,229 --> 00:26:15,680
I'm trying.

645
00:26:15,698 --> 00:26:19,317
That's all anybody can ask, huh?

646
00:26:19,351 --> 00:26:21,703
Right.

647
00:26:26,625 --> 00:26:28,660
Hey, check this out.

648
00:26:28,694 --> 00:26:31,129
- Hank, don't...
- No, no, no. No.

649
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:39,087
Huh?

650
00:26:40,923 --> 00:26:42,423
Am I supposed to be impressed?

651
00:26:42,474 --> 00:26:46,144
That's the idea, yeah.

652
00:26:46,178 --> 00:26:48,263
Hmm.

653
00:26:48,314 --> 00:26:49,547
Hmm?

654
00:26:49,565 --> 00:26:51,432
I scar myself for you.

655
00:26:51,483 --> 00:26:52,934
I stigmatize myself for you.

656
00:26:52,985 --> 00:26:57,388
And that's all I get
as a response, is "hmm?"

657
00:26:57,406 --> 00:26:59,524
Hmm?

658
00:27:08,918 --> 00:27:11,569
Are you hungry?

659
00:27:14,957 --> 00:27:16,758
Would you like some breakfast?

660
00:27:35,277 --> 00:27:44,392
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